Do you recall?

She told me to stop whatever I'm taking.

I was thinking back to the first time I killed something or saw something being killed. Can you remember? I think I vaguely recall. I hated watching mosquitoes being killed and screamed hysterically whenever someone tried to. To me, it always ended up with blood smudged across palms. It made me cry.

However, the excitement of being fast enough to catch a flying insect excited me so. So, one day I squealed in delight when a mosquito flew above my head. I screamed to be carried, to be held up so I could catch it, and smash it like the adults always did. You see, I was only 3. But I wanted, so very much, to be older.

So, I was held up from the armpits, into the air as I flung my arms around, frantic to smash the insect. And as I squealed and squeeked with bursting anxiety, I reached out and smacked it down hard in between my palms. Well, it was as hard as I could afford then.

I opened my claspsed hands and saw the creature wriggling in my palms. Blood was smeared across the middle and it's wings still twitched. I demanded to be put down onto the floor. Torn between the feeling of triumph and disgust, my lips began to twitch and my eyes began to tear.

Soon, I was crying, staring down at the half-dead insect in my hands. At the same time, I proudly held it out for all to see - my very own efforts lay almost still in my hands. I don't remember much about what happened after that but I'd guess I was carried off to have my tears dried and my hands washed, before taking a nap.

The problem is, I don't see a reason to have stopped.

Use or be used.

She says I need to know I'm needed.

So, don't just sit around and accuse me of overreacting because I'm not. I'm only in need of reassurance, because chasing after it makes me tired. So why won't you just tell me, sincerely, that I mean a lot and that you're gonna need me around? You see, manipulating you has become my next past-time.

Because that's the way it goes.

Time will tell.

She questioned my weakness.

I didn't have an answer or a solution. I knew I failed myself, and that, in itself, disgusted me. I was supposed to have the strength, at least enough to sustain self-promises, but no, I let you walk in here and take it all away. You're a great person, but it threatens me. And I hate threats.

I blame you, but I will find a way to clear it up. Soon enough.

Pain is your friend.

I'm not a masochist.

I was crossing the overhead bridge from the HDBs to Jubilee today, looking down at the train tracks wondering what it'd be like to get run over by a train. However, the metal grills that were built across the bridge to stop people from commiting suicide were affecting my imagination. So, I turned to something else.

Try blowing your nose while your nostrils are pressed inwards with your thumb and index finger. If you blow hard enough, your ears would pop and a sick pressure would rise to your head and you'd feel like it's on the erge of exploding, and blowing up. I think it's fantastic, don't you?

Oh, and the pressure in your ears stay and leave a slight ringing sensation, making it ever more fun. You head would be dizzy and your vision swaying as an effect to it all. It comforts me, the comfortable feeling it gives me . It hurts and aches and throbs but it reminds me that I'm alive, and I like it.

I just believe that pain is our friend, it reminds you that you're alive.

Why, I shouldn't be able to stand it. Why, though, can I?

Perhaps she cares too much, considering too much.

I like catching Snowy in a moment of confusion. When both my sister and I, standing at two ends of the room are holding out treats to her, calling her name. She can barely decide where to go, spinning in circles, considering her options for many seconds before actually making a final choice.

Oh, but when she walks off, it is obvious that she wonders if it would have been better if she had turned the other way instead. We all can see it in her eyes, but only she can feel the burning temptation to turn back around, the sickening ache of curiousity as to how much greener the other side of the grass might be.

I like catching her in such moments because she looks so pathetic and at such a loss that you want to cuddle her in your arms and give her all the attention that might make her feel better. Other than looking hopelessly adorable, her behaviour is just so interesting to observe. It's just so, scarily... human-like.

Her weakness, though, gets on many people's nerves.

Apparently, replaced.

Always consider before acting.

Just like using honey flavoured syrup instead of homemade maple syrup, or playing soccer with a beachball instead of a proper football, not all replacements are of equal quality. At the point of desperateness, we turn to alternatives that seem just as good. Often, we end up in regret.

However, also at the point of despondence, we are constantly unaware of our other options, our other alternatives. Oblivious to everything else, only focusing on solution. Without considering them, we choose the worst, the easiest way out.

We constantly forget, though, how nothing or no one likes to be replaced, especially by something or someone worse.

What's the point of keeping count?

If I had to believe in love again, the one thing I'd never believe it to be is - blind.

Oh, how it amuses me to see two kids fall 'in love'. It amuses me a great deal because even though I want to wish them luck, I can't help but bid on how long it'd actually last. Of course, I too am disgusted. You see, it is this way as one of them doesn't deserve the other. The other whom I am rather close to but have no choice to support in decision.

I guess this could be the result of defeat. And I absolutely hate this sore feeling of rejection, of incapability. It will be over, I know, this sick feeling of absolute disgust. However, I doubt ever finding a way to get myself to genuinely wish them the best.

Love isn't blind; Love sees, but doesn't mind.

Strike four.

Never growing up, are you?

Don't you realise how you disgust? How the words you speak are so juvenile that one can barely believe it would come out from the mouth of a person of your age? You never learn to care, you never learn to feel for others, do you? You just spill insults, stringed together into sentences, and attempt to carry out a proper conversation.

Oh, how your immaturity annoys me so.

One of those.

My Love For The Sea

His coarse skin runs across my toes
The grains of his skin brushing
against my inner calf as his warm
arms pull me into a suffocating embrace.

His breath
against the lids of my eyes
Stinging them and unabling me
to see.

Oh, my love, I surrender
myself to you.

Take me away
with you strong arms which
twists my body
into angles unthinkable.

I'll bury my head into you and
taste you in my mouth
The familiar bland taste of salt that
lingers on my tongue.

Oh, baby, I surrender
myself to you.

Strike three.

Could you see I want you by the way I push you away. Don't judge me tomorrow by the way I'm acting today.

What's holding you back, baby? It's killing me, the want to feel your eyes digging into my back as I turn my face away from you. Oh baby, I'm sure it's killing you too. You're making me restless, but not enough to plead for attention the way you did. C'mon, darling, stop trying to hold it back.

A little closer everyday. I could hear your heart thumping today. Oh, perhaps I'm the one torturing you? But won't you just play along, even for a little while, a little more. Don't you feel the temption pulling at your heart? Won't you just give in a little? Oh, you know you want to... Won't you just do what you should do, for once?

Mix the words up with the actions. Do it all for your reaction, yeah. Hey, hey, get tangled up in me .

Bask in the attention; it's your time, here and now.

Sinister smile and a hold of my heart.

Won't you shower your attention all over me again? I'm getting bored, and you were a perfect entertainment, a perfect game. Come back, baby, and I'll still play along. I'm missing your plea for attention, your plea for my love. Oh, don't throw a trantrum now and come back. I'm getting restless.

You wanna get inside; well, get in line.

Priceless experiences; unforgettable memories.

No, walking away wasn't as easy as you think it was.

I thought hard and spent sleepless nights considering what to do. It wasn't a decision made in a split second, it wasn't so easy to walk away from something that you hold so dear. I'm sorry that I have seemed to have potrayed it as an action out of spite and battered pride.

I only couldn't see the point of staying on, spending all my time trying to reverse a perception of the fact that I have a preference between the two things that meant to me. On top of that, things have changed; and I felt that letting go was my best option. Perhaps it wasn't, but I believe in having no regrets.

I have to admit that I was waiting for the day that everything would go back to just the few of us, racking our brains out, in the Inspiretown. Oh yes, those were the days to treasure... and now that it will never be the same again, I'm happy, leaving with the memories that I will never let go of.

Thank you, for not allowing me to leave empty-handed.

Baby, I'm here.

Don't back out on me, baby.

It's all part of the game, so don't give up now, you've gotta be stronger. Come on, darling, you know I'll always be here. Nothing's over till it's over, and I won't let you give up now. It's not gonna happen.

Stand up.

I'll explain.

I failed to continue.

The pain was killing, if you'd count that as an excuse. I was weak enough to stop, but wasn't it only right? No, don't scream at me, please. I still wouldn't have gone on if I were to live through it twice. You should have felt the intense pain running up my head. It hurt so bad, I thought I was to die.

Maybe next time.

Watch me.

It's a craving I can hold in. Haven't I always?

No, don't tell me I've been fine, don't tell me I was great. It only means that I have less reason to carry on. I refuse to believe your lies. I will not shed a tear the way you say I would, I will not care for them the way the world thinks I should... No one is worthy of my concern, that's what I'm sure of.

I didn't turn my back on them, they did. Before I did, way before that. Everyone does, and all I, or she, has ever been doing is crying herself to sleep each night. Pathetic I was, and will never be again.

You see, I don't need anyone to keep me going. It's me, that it's all about. I run my life and no one can come along and run me down. They shouldn't try because I'm not going to allow it, they won't be able to find no hole in this perfect plan, this protection, this armour. They would have to try really hard to break me.

It's all about protection. Self-preservation.

A breath of fresh air?

The grass is greener on the other side, or not.

Not only does it seem the same colour, something about it doesn't feel a thing right. It ain't as springy, it ain't as fragrant. I don't feel safe lying here, I don't feel myself being here. I don't want to stay here, let me go back, now. This is strange.

Will I get used to it? Should I bother to waste my time to settle myself with this, for now? Now that my plot of lawn has been taken away, is this going to be temporary or for good? I don't know what I want but I want to win, I want not to screw up.

I'll reconsider.

Girl, where have you gone? Welcome back.

It's a new year, a new outlook, a fresh new everything.

Resolutions have to be met, and I am determined to. To those who have, recently, told me that I'm a weakling for behaving the way I have - thanks, because you guys have seemed to strengthened me, some way, somehow.

This is gonna be a new start, a new me.

I'm turning away from all this. Things are getting redundant.