Stuck.

That one night of inability to sleep.

All the thoughts that ran through my mind on that one particular night now runs through over and over again each time I am unable to sleep. My thoughts drift to you, even though I don't want it to. Like how it plays strange noises every once in a while for no particular reason or without any particular occurences.

I need to get a hold of my (crazy) mind.

A constant.

I used to think things come and go in life.

But I'm beginning to think I may have been wrong.

'Cause love (irregardless of its form), I think, can last forever.

Lips of An Angel by Hinder.

Honey, why're you calling me so late?

It's kinda hard to talk right now. Honey why're you crying, is everything okay? Gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud. Well, my girl's in the next room. Sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on. It's really good to hear your voice saying my name, it sounds so sweet.

Coming from the lips lips on an angel, hearing those words, it makes me weak. Don't wanna say goodbye but, girl, you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel. It's funny how you're calling me tonight, and yes I dreamt of you too.

Does he know you're talking to me, will it start a fight?

The wind and it's passing.

I'm fully aware of the knots that the wind can tie with my hair.

But I love the way it beats against my face and rushes past me when I'm in an open vehicle. I love the way it makes Snowy happy, throwing her black wet nose into the air and taking big whiffs of air, internalizing all the smells and scents of the fresh air.

I love that the wind has been to places. It may have travelled across the oceans and continents after brushing past you, or it could have ran through your fingers just this morning. It may even gave brushed through your hair just minutes ago, or held you in its embrace this morning.

The wind brings me closer and nearer to those who seem so far. And yet it will be whatever that will carry us away when our time comes. As it has with Kong Kong, and will with Snowy in what is an unfortunate small number of years to come.

Today, as we alighted from the car and I watched her race down the slope, barking and panting, having plain good fun, I decided to take her for a walk. I took our old route, but this time I watched her fall back down the stairs and I climbed up.

No more can she race up the faster than I. Today, I had to cheer her on on every step. She almost gave up, but I didn't want her to. I saw how age has gotten to her, and I know that one day, she wouldn't be able to climb those stairs as she once could.

And unfortunately but definitely will she lie in the wind's embrace, as it takes her away from mine.

Never Tell.

It's a good book.

It's the part where Catherine is older. She's dealing with the abuse pretty well now. She's in her late grandma's house when her Uncle says to her "I love you too, kiddo, and don't you forget it." Kiddo, kiddo. Only Bryan has called me that, and right now, I wish he just would again.

Pretend nothing ever happened.

Needy.

She's sitting in the park with her lover.

But I want that to be us. I wanna sit in a park in the night, in your arms, laughing and talking about anything and everything. I wanna be the one beaming with love. But I'm not. Instead, you're asleep and I'm sitting here wondering where the hell everyone is. I might just call Juno.

Or not. Maybe I'll just wait for her to call me back. Yeah, I will.

Baby, baby, baby nooo.

I know better.

Awesome day with the squad and it's been a long while that I've been in someone's arms. And only one person, you, can make me so feel so safe, relaxed and yet keep my heart racing at the same time. I'm more than thankful for you, baby. God knows I should be contented.

And let go.

Catch me when I fall?

Not.

You said you'll watch out for me, be there. But everytime I trip, I find myself scraping my knee and picking myself up again. Not to mention without your help (at all would be an understatement). So what happens when I really fall from a great height, when it isn't a minor trip. What makes me think you'll even be there?

If not the one pushing me down.

Lost, and losing.

Fall, and falling.

I guess to fall is to finally land, on whatever surface it may be, and irregardless of the extent of the damage, it is definite you've fallen. The fall is over. But to be falling is to be left hanging. I think losing someone who remains alive haunts more.

I need a closure. Death is an unfortunate, but definite, closure.

You to me are everything.

I would take stars out of the sky for you.

Stop the rain from falling if you asked me to. I'd do anything for you, your wish is my command. I could move a mountain when your hand is in my hand. Words cannot express how much you mean to me. There must be some other way to make you see.

If it takes my heart and soul, you know I'd pay the price. Everything that I possess I'd gladly sacrifice. Oh, you to me are everything, the sweetest song that I could sing. Oh, baby, oh, baby. To you I guess I'm just a clown who picks you up each time you're down.

Oh, baby, oh, baby.

Gone.

Give me strength.

To say all the things I might need to say, to those who won't even turn to look, or even a glance. Not a second, not a moment. I think they, he, she can't really care less. So, give me strength soon, you. Because I need it. I need it now, before my life slips away too. Everything in life is fragile.

I've learnt that all too well.

Fleeting.

It was just yesterday, and a moment later, it's all changed.

He was still there. My arm on his shoulder, his soft breathing against his pillow. He needed sleep, and so we were leaving. His eyes closed, his face peaceful. He didn't open his eyes much, and he almost couldn't recognise me but that didn't matter. He didn't even have the strength to.

Just a moment. And neither did I.

Nothing's gonna change my love for you.

I like it cause his playing makes my heart ache.

And flip.

Food poisoning.

Convulse.

This feeling sucks. To feel your stomach twisting and the gastric hurting. I want to sleep but I can't get any eye shut. I wanna be held in your arms. Want you to hold me to sleep. I feel lousy. And porridge isn't gonna cheer me up.

FML.

Lean on me.

When you're not strong.

And I'll be your friend... Damn. How many so far? Many many. But at least I found some back again. Remember how I told you'll leave behind a big cavity when you're gone? Yeah, dear friend, it still applies. But, I give up.

You don't hurt alone.

心痛啊，心痛！

我真的很对不起。

I've made many mistakes and each time I do, I regret. And with regret comes the unavoidable heartache, the kind that is dull and nagging and only weighs you down more. If I could take it all back, baby, I would. I'm sorry. So do remember that,

当我说我只会为你写华文，那是我真心话。记得吗，宝贝？

Untold.

It's like reading a book, and realising only at the end that the last page's torn out.

Then you're kept in suspense, and it kills you. You wanna know, but you can't. You try to get another copy, from a friend, a relative, but to no avail. You go to the library again and for some reason, that's the only copy. And it leaves you feeling sick, and uneasy. Well, at least pretend it's a good book.

Goddamnit.

Incoherent.

Seriously.

I think you oughtta get a grip, and start acting like a man. You make a deal, you keep to it. You don't leave the other person hanging and waiting, cause that just ain't cool. Just ain't gentlemanly. Especially not if you've kept him/her waiting for long enough now. Not cool, man, not cool.

But what would I expect of you?

Read what you wrote.

Now don't get me wrong.

I may creep you out but I don't really care, done caring about what you might think after i saw those words (which probably weren't even directed at me, were they?). But I wanna let you know that I don't need everything you write about to be about me.

But the fact that I made a disgusting mistake, and committed an awful sin betting on the fact that it was mutual, only to know that everything I thought was isn't, just makes me feel sick. I may have betrayed, but I didn't stab you in the guts.

I'm sorry, babe.

Like a prayer.

When you call my name, it's just like a little prayer. I'm down on knees, wanna take you there.

It's been some time that I've lost sight of my goal, our goal, my eyes straying, my heart flitting. People have been trying to shake me, get me to see what's right before me. And today, when I heard your words, my heart tore and melted, at the same time.

I don't know what's to come, but I hope I'll never hurt you again.

A lost friend.

Is like a coin that has fallen from your purse, rolled across the ground, and into a drain.

You'll probably never see it again. But of course, you'll collect many other coins along the way, some old and rusted, some shinier than you've ever seen, but it'll never be the same. And as you watch that valued coin roll across the ground, maybe chase after it, you know its gonna roll into that drain faster than you can catch it anyway.

And you'll just watch it disappear, for most likely ever.

Just hold me.

While I shiver and cry.

Tell me all will be fine. Even if tomorrow never comes, tell me that you'll always be mine. Because my blood is pulsing through my veins and I know it'll all be over, if not today. If I drop dead and die, baby, I know you'll always be nearby.

Tootch, I'm over. I'm dead.

Wish I could undo it all.

If I could.

I would have set everything right. It's like my studies. If I could, I would go back years and have made sure I had had a habit of studying regularly then. Then I wouldn't be in the shit I am in now. Wish I had seen this coming, wish I hadn't dug my own grave.

Goddamnit. I need to be gone.

The Giant's Causeway.

Oh, I'm in love with nature. (Gotta thank Ms J for the video below)

One more destination to add to my list.

Thank God I wasn't too foolish.

Thank God I didn't fall more in love with every word I withheld. I wasn't even in love to start with.

I've been jumping from the tops of buildings.
For the thrill of the fall.
Ignoring sound advice.
And any thought of consequence.
My bones are shattered.
My pride is shattered.
And in the midst of this self-inflicted pain...

No, I didn't see no beautiful rescue.

Geography calms my soul.

The Giant's Causeway is an amazing wonder.







Pictures by maksimus found on http://www.pixdaus.com/

Mission accomplished for you.

A big fat bad mistake.

It was not supposed to turn out this way. And I wish I had kept my shield up, and not have let any of his words penetrate into my imagination and cause all the damage it has already done. Wish I had seen earlier the person he really was.

Lee Jin Jun no. 2.

Geography takes my breath away.

I never thought I'd say this but,



Geography is amazing.

Definitions.

de·sire [dih-zahyuh r]
-verb (used with object)
1. to wish or long for; crave; want.
2. to express a wish to obtain; ask for; request: The mayor desires your presence at the next meeting.
-noun
3. a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment: a desire for fame.
4. an expressed wish; request.
5. something desired.
6. sexual appetite or a sexual urge.

mis·take [mi-steyk]
-noun
1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2. a misunderstanding or misconception.
-verb (used with object)
3. to regard or identify wrongly as something or someone else: I mistook him for the mayor.
4. to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand; misinterpret.
-verb (used without object)
5. to be in error.
-Idiom
6. and no mistake, for certain; surely: He's an honorable person, and no mistake.

a·pol·o·get·ic [uh-pol-uh-jet-ik]
-adjective
1. containing an apology or excuse for a fault, failure, insult, injury, etc.: An apologetic letter to his creditors explained the delay.
2. defending by speech or writing.
3. willing or eager to apologize.
4. sorry; regretful.

Now or never.

I made a mistake, we all know that. Everyone does once in a while.

But this was one hell of a mistake that hurt both you, him and I. It happened because I didn't think, was too caught up with myself to think for anyone else. But now as I face the music, and try to clear up my own mess, I don't know if the mistake was made yesterday.

Or does it go back some time where I shouldn't have tried running before I could walk. Now I trip.

I messed up.

Yes, I shot myself in the foot.

And God knows no one should put up with the mess I've made, the feelings I've hurt, and the trust that I have broken. If I could go back and change everything, I would. I'd take everything back.

I'm sorry.

Depth.

Geog.

Mariana Trench is the deepest part of the world's oceans, and the lowest elevation of the surface of the Earth's crust. It is located in the western Pacific Ocean. It reaches a maximum-known depth of about 11.03 kilometres. If Mount Everest, were set in the deepest part of the Mariana Trench, there would be 2,076 metres of water left above it.

Love.

Which hurts more?

I used to wonder if physical pain outweighs emotional.

And some would agree, but say that it's dependent on the situation. I do think it does differ case to case, but generally I think almost all emotional pains hurt more. It's something I learnt a few years back, in the beautiful Bukit Merah on a sad 9th of January. Memorable.

Damn, my head hurts.

Reasons why I want a Karakiri.

1. Unlike everyone else who finds it scary/ugly, I think it's really adorable.
2. A Karakiri will never die.
3. It's custom made and so my Karakiri will be personalized, different from every other one out there.
4. A Karakiri holds you whenever and wherever. Especially to sleep.
5. A Karakiri will always love you, leaving you no need to worry about it hurting you.

A Karakiri is a lifetime companion.

Pretty photo.

Damn.


(source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pinkmonty/galleries/72157622477769151/#photo_4031226622)

Ouch.

Pseudo.

Superficiality at its best.

Will you open a door when the doorbell rings? No, wait - when will you even open the door? If it rings, and standing outside's a stranger, would you open the door? Why? Cause the person outside looks trustworthy, seems alright, like he wouldn't or couldn't cause you any harm? Well, looks can be deceiving. We all know that.

I think I just got mugged, and stabbed. Shucks.

Like a bruise.

The other day, when Shanice fell or injured herself or something.

She limped to me and sat between my legs and turned to me, eyes all teary, and pointed to her injured limb and said, in her usual adorable voice "Pain pain". And I rubbed it for her, lightly. But she cringed and whined. She's the kinda kid who's really brave and really rarely cries.

Pain, pain.

Wham bam.

When a staple hits your face, it shouldn't hurt.

Unless it hits you in the eye of course. But when a bowling ball is thrown into your face, it's bound to swell, bleed, break something, and it's sure as hell gonna hurt. But when it's supposed to be a staple that hit your cheek, and it feels like it broke something then, well...

You know you've messed something up. Should've dodged anyway.

Do the heavens look down upon us?

How nice it would be to know someone truly bothers.

Caught in storm, twice in one day. Don't you hate it when you get drenched and soaked from bottom up because of the
rain? The repulsive feeling of your socks sticking to your feet, and the water squishingin your shoes with every step?

Darling, I guess it's just you and me.

French.

A beautiful film.



:)

I'm never letting you go.

You and me, baby, we're stuck like glue.



Do you remember, we were sitting there by the water, you put your arm around me for the first time.



You're the best, Tootch.

My mummy.

I always said I would never be like her.

But today when I saw her driving into school in, still in her office attire, whatever I felt changed. When she said "Okay. We're home. Take care okay, rest well and only eat porridge and go Doc's later okay?" I felt better than I had the whole morning.

I went to say hello to daddy and tell him I wasn't feeling well when he asked why I didn't get caught in the rain. "Mummy sent me home, but she's going back to work" I said. And when he said "Mummy?! You should have just taken a cab." for that moment...

I swear I felt my tummy smile.

Snuppy.

Shallow or superficial? Doesn't matter.

It isn't about the anger or the feeling of being betrayed or cheated really. It's everything else. It goes way (Ha ha) deeper than that. Was Hwang Woo Suk imprisoned? This post confuses me too but it got me thinking.

What the fuck happened to "self-preservation"? Bullshit.

Burning excitement.

I'm going crazy; this excitement is giving me an adrenalin rush.

I have it all planned out, everything has played over in my head at least ten times and it seems flawless and, well, quite perfect I'd say. I'm praying everything will happen according to my plan. Oh God, don't spoil it for me.

Ahhhh!

Always a step behind.

Always not up to par, for some damn reason.

First it was Lee Jin Jun, the asshole most people know him to be. Then one by one people just kept going. Bam! One day out of the blue Bryan decides to take leave too, keeping me waiting aimlessly for a lame explanation for an infinite amount of time.

Don't forget the Carmina and all the joys she has left me to reminiscise on as she strots off, nose in the air, too proud to ask anything more. But now, again, with the people who have yet to disappear, I'll always be second best.

And I can't say I haven't gotten used to it, really.

Needing a great big hug.

Not the I just broke up with my boyfriend, I need a hug kind.

I need the big warm hug. The one that I can only see myself getting from one person, and only one. Not because he's huge and soft, but because he's the only one who gives me that feeling that I so dearly crave for right now. I want a hug, and I want it bad.

:(

God, help me.

My neck hurts, is it from the iron clutches?

I feel so sick that I think if I convulsed, I might throw up an entire sea. I feel so tired that if I fainted I might just crumble into dust. I feel so empty that if I held anyone in my arms I might just suck them into the huge empty vacuum within me.

Why, oh why? What am I doing throwing my life away?

More perfect within.

You're closer to perfect than you'll ever know.

Somewhere out there someone beautiful is lying in bed wishing she was loved by someone perfect. She's everything you would ever dream of. But she's alone tonight and that's only because I'm hogging the man of her dreams.

The man I so clearly do not deserve.

Tongue tied.

Feels like forever since everything was pretty.

And truth to be told, I'm craving to be held by you because the last time seemed too long ago. Even though it was only a few days back, it was kinda spoilt by a lot of other events if you do remember. I just wanna feel that warmth.

But I won't beg, although I wanna feel loved by you. Your loss, eventually.

Samuel Roukin.

Not perfect, really.





But for some reason he makes my heart race.

Measurements.

It hurts. Well, sort of.

Maybe something like a 100 times of the silly doggy bite I got when I was eleven. Say, 50 times of the all the times that Bryan said "you remind me of her" combined. And maybe about 10 times of receiving Carmina's classic "what have you done."

Long story short - owww.

It could be hope.

When its leaves turn brown.

It's a sign that it might die, anytime soon. Either that or that it's clinging on to whatever it has just to try to keep surviving. It could be due to too much sun, and drying, or that it didn't get the food and water it required. Or maybe the coke you poured in yesterday wasn't too good for its growth. Either way, it's a sign.

A sign that it's losing something important. That something in it has already died.

This ain't fair.

They may not be excuses, but they aren't whole truths.

I felt cheated then. Because I thought I knew everything and I didn't. I felt cheated again. Because I thought I'd be shown the truth, but never. I feel cheated. Because I want the truth but you're just giving me reasons that aren't really true. I wanna know what's really up.

My heart's pounding though I've stopped skipping for 10 minutes. I'll snap.

You know what, dear?

They asked if I regretted everything.

I shook my head and smiled, a fuzzy feeling growing within me and I beamed and told them no. My reason? If I hadn't had gone through that, I probably wouldn't have taken the same path, wouldn't have met the same people cause I believe everything has its own seperate route. Even though it hurt me so, I had one major reason why I didn't regret.

Because I met you. But thanks for making me regret anyway.

15 hours.

I've been awake for the past 15 hours.

Half of which was spent studying which - come to think of it - isn't quite enough if I wanna do well. Damn, I was actually quite satisfied. That aside, today's quite my first time staying up through the night and into the morning without sleep, studying. It's so satisfactory and enjoyable.

Though it could be a once-off thrill.

Doodle disappear.

I was playing Doodle Find.

Was watching the doodles disappear as I tapped on them, and having other doodles pop back onto the screen to replace them. All colorful and nice. And thought, if only I could tap on these thoughts and have them disappear like that. Although it would be even better if they didn't ever have to sprout back.

I understand you're tired from work. But you're just never there, and it's a fact.

Fourteen?

Something I wrote when I was fourteen, so excuse the strange language:

Mission Accomplished

She never meant anything more than a figure that kept clothes on my back and food on the table. If anything, the only emotions I felt for her were those of hatred and disgust. So very often, those emotions brought out a different side of me, and together with that, disgusting thoughts that dance about, seductively, in my mind. Just as often, I never managed to push them away. I would allow them to go on dancing, although sometimes, I chose to dance along with them.

I often wished that Daddy had taken me away together with him. Instead, I was left with her, her to bring me up, teaching me, at the same time, to survive without love. The only bit of love in her was showered upon her shaggy terrier which was always cuddled in her arms. Her terrier that received praises that I may never live to hear. Still, I felt ever so obliged to address her with that one word that got my insides churning, and made me feel so ill – Mum.

I sat on the sofa, knees to my chin, with a book in hand, feigning fascination for the pages of dull words before me. I sat, observing the way she scurried around the house, piling velvet cushions beside one another, beloved creature in hand. I observed how she gently placed the disgusting squirming animal onto the pile of cushions, whispering words into its misshapen ears, a smile I rarely received, plastered across her face.

She took careful, tiny steps up onto the second landing of our house. Each step with such utmost cautiousness that made her looked on the verge of falling over. Soon, I heard the pipes shriek and water began to run, as I returned to the book that was opened on my lap.

Before I proceeded any further with my reading, I heard an annoying little tatter of paws against the parquet. I looked down to see the shaggy little brown creature, tennis ball in mouth, looking up at me pleadingly. Its plea for attention made me sick; it could barely live without attention, even just for a second.

Ignoring the fur ball that lingered at my heels, I lay back on the sofa, shut my eyes and listened to the sound of fast, speeding traffic on the main road, right outside my main door. Perfect.

I reached down and tugged the tennis ball out of the creature’s mouth, watching it race between my legs, as I opened the main door wide open. I observed the cars pass. I felt the caress of the thoughts in my mind, and I tried to resist them, but they were much too tempting for me. They asked me to dance, I joined in.

Just then, the taps from above squeaked shut and I heard the soft footsteps near the staircase. At this moment, I swung my arm back and threw the tennis ball, grinning as it bounced off the pavement, onto the main road. I was almost laughing now, as the mindless creature hopped out the door and onto the busy road.

Without shutting the door, I got back to the sofa and sat down, waiting for her to tiptoe back down the steps.

When she did, her eyes immediately darted across the room, towards the empty pile of cushions, and then to the open door. I watched her face turn ash pale as she gazed onto the blood-stained road, in which the body of her little terrier lay, barely in one piece.

Her scream echoed throughout the house, and rang in my ears. Something about it felt so sweet, so relaxing, and so very comforting. I lay back on the sofa and closed my eyes, treasuring the moment of it all. Damn, did it felt so right. Perfect – mission accomplished.


Damn, was I weird.

Emptiness.

The counter ticks, and yet each number seems to mean nothing.

I've been refreshing my inboxes, waiting to see your name, an email, or at least a sign that you care. It's been eleven days and still nothing. But, why am I surprised? You've always kept me waiting. You've always called the shots. Haven't you, Bryan? I'm perspiring, and yet everything is cold on the inside.

If I were shivering, would I feel warm within?

Glad to be sure of.

When life gets me really confused and all.

I like to think about things that will always remain certain. I mean it ain't easy to put aside the more depressing issues but it's good to always know I can fall back on three things for certain - my incredible lover, my best friend and my insane sisters.

And that just dissolves all the bad immediately. Goodnight.

Don't come talking about old times.

Especially if you couldn't care less.

Don't come telling me you were thinking back about then, and get all sentimental on me when you don't mean a thing. And, as for you, don't come around telling me I'm just like her and think it's all fine and dandy when it sure isn't. So, just keep your lies to yourselves, and do me a great big favour.

This ain't fair. And you know that, Bryan. And you too, bloody Chindian.

Not fair at all.

Won't you just let her go?

For hours at a times, I had heard you whine, about her and her failure at manners, and how you wish she'd understand. There was even once you fell asleep crying, and the phone just hung up on me. I had spent an hour calling you - 37 missed calls in total. Have you forgotten all that?

There was once where she cheated on you, and went for someone else. All that while I stuck around and tried to get you back up. Going early to school to get you bars of chocolate to give you that smile that she took away, to somewhat get you through you day. And all that while, you had been lying to me - but I forgave you.

Now, all I ask is a little gratitude, a little appreciation for the little things I had done. I don't need a party, nor a bouquet, I don't even need a card or long speeches for that matter. All I want is for you to listen, for you to stop letting her get in the way of our friendship even though she's been long gone from your heart.

Just a little friendship, in exchange for all I have given.

Never bored of.

God knows why.

I swear everyone likes Taylor Swift, it's only whether they admit it or not.

Hard to express the emotions.

It's great, but yet strange.

It wonderful and so inspiring to visit my blog and see comments from people I don't know, from people across the world, from places all over. They leave comments, and compliments, sometimes telling me they can relate and it just really lifts my spirits sometimes. Makes the space-time compression theory so much more real, and intriguing.

How I'd wish I could say it, but it's impossible to express, really.

Do I miss her?

Yeah, I do.

Because nobody could read me the way she did, nobody understood how it was to feel jealous and to feel so many things the way she did. I hadn't known anyone as deep as her, and connected with me like we did. But Erica says it was all an act, only because we had done the same wrongs that we could click. I'd like to differ, I think it was special.

She was special in many ways, and I pray to God everyday that she'll remain beautiful.

I felt sick.

Can you remember the first time you ate bitter leafy green vegetables?

I remember everyone telling me Chye Sim was nice and good to eat. So I held it in my chopsticks, expecting something good and when I put it on my tongue, all I tasted was bitterness and i spat it out. Now, everytime I look at Chye Sim, I don't remember the moment before I tasted it but only that awful taste that lingered in my mouth.

You're like Chye Sim, only worse. Lee Jin Jun is the epitome for disgust.

Here's your round.

You wanna play this game where one of us will be shot down.

Here, you've won.

Never will you.

I throw the phone aside and shut my eyes.

I'm not crying, neither am I going to. I just close them and throw my head back onto my pillow. Soon, I realise I'm praying, to who or what about, I'm not very sure. But I find myself pleading and hoping within. I think about it for a bit and I figure - I'm praying for you to understand.

God knows you probably never will.

It's a small world.

Distress cooes within me.

As I turn on my computer, I'm restless and frustrated, not knowing why. For no reason, I feel an impulse to visit my blog and there, I'm greeted by a comment from a stranger, probably no one I know. But he/she says she can relate to how I felt, and suddenly, I'm overwhelmed by a feeling of warmth.

Maybe, no one's ever too distant to care.

Again, I'd suppose?

You're rattling about all these plans like a naive little boy.

When I tell you blatantly about my lack of interest. Instantly, I hear your voice fall and you sound like you aged a 100 years in a second. And I feel a slight ache to the left of my chest, almost as if I can feel the same pain I might've caused you with those 5 words. I wanna apologise but it feels too late.

Goodnight, baby.

A little needy.

God, just gimme that little bit of attention I so badly crave.

Two years, one month, two weeks and two days ago, I was probably lying on this exact same bed (and probably the same sheets) smiling to myself, hugging myself really tight and thanking the heavens that I've got you. Today, I lie here blogging and wishing everything was still pretty and cool. But it isn't.

Maybe my Scott will give me what I need. If only I could fall asleep.

I know it's you.

It felt real.

When your blue eyes looked blindly in my direction and my heart raced, I knew it was you. Your blonde hair fell across your forehead and glistened in the sunlight. Your embrace was strong and secure, never have I seen arms as big as your's and shoulder's as wide. I know it's you, I just do.

If only it could be.

I know you'll say it's an excuse.

But self-preservation really was the root of it all.

I hated knowing that if I were nice to people around me, they'd take advantage of me and have my heart open up to them almost instantly and have it torn apart soon after. So I learnt to build up a wall of insults and spite to keep everyone as far away as possible. For once in a long time, I'm gonna attempt bringing it down.

World, don't break me. Again.

Medical condition, yes?

They still burn.

I'm walking and the soles of my feet burn, they itch like crazy till it almost feels like it hurts. Soon, the annoying sensation goes up my calves and spreads to my inner thighs. If I scratch, I'll tear off my skin. So, I bite my lip and bear with the pain and itch and make my way home.

No one's, and I mean no one's, blood circulates this way.

Read my mind.

Oh let the alcohol hold me in its embrace.

Let it take me in it's warm arms and hold me safe, give me that feeling of ecstasy like I've never felt in a long time. Lift me off the ground, as if in Love, if it evens exists. Make me high, make my heart pound, make me strong. And, at the same time, destroy me from within and eat me up. Kill me, suck me of life.

Dear, don't do this.

Lonesome George

Got my birthday wish-list ready.

1. A parrot fish blue Floreana (http://www.lonesomegeorge.net/)
2. A orange-cup coral Tortuga Bay (http://www.lonesomegeorge.net/)
3. An espanola surf white green Hood (http://www.lonesomegeorge.net/)
4. A mangrove green Circa Hoodie (http://www.lonesomegeorge.net/)
5. Baby pink/blue Karakiri
6. Forget Me Knot ring by Kiel Mied (http://www.kielmied.com/)
7. Retainer Jewelry by Kiel Mied (http://www.kielmied.com/)
8. Octopus Me earrings (http://www.etsy.com/)
9. Lion King DVD
10. Snow White DVD
11. Sleeping Beauty DVD
12. Cinderella DVD
13. Beauty and The Beast DVD
14. Pinnochio DVD
15. Blossom Pendant (http://www.rockettoro.com/)
16. Keep Ramos shoes size 6 (http://www.keepcompany.com/ but the colour I want is in Orchard Cineleisure)

I have followers?

Hey girl, did I miss you?

I was there too that day, I think, getting frozen yogurt at Frolick.

What would have happened if I bumped into you, girl? I really would like to know. Would you look at me and smile? Would you tear and threaten to cry, or would you just turn and walk away pretend you never knew me, pretend I never existed? Damn you, Carmina, for still meaning something to me.

God knows if you'll ever forgive me.

Whatever happened to UK?

I saw her walk in and my heart felt like it was pierced through, all over again.

She had the same eyes, the same smile, the same everything as the girl who my life revolved around when I was younger. The girl I spent my days with on the phone, if not over at her place. We had plans, great plans - migrating to UK together, being one of them.

Couldn't look, couldn't cry.

What's true?

Confusion's just an excuse for being weak.

I felt a lightness in my walk just now, as if something great was propelling me off the ground with each step I took. I could almost fly. But it's different now; I feel so heavy I could sink into the ground. It's all these feelings of missing and hoping and knowing nothing will ever be the same. It hits you and suddenly everything around just bursts.

Did you say I think too much? Still waters run deep? I'd wish.

Taylor Swift/Disney fever.

Why can't you see-ee-ee, you belong with mee-ee-ee?

Well, it's a question I don't have to ask because you belong to me, already, and we both know it's incredibly right. Now, I've just gotta wait for my hair to grow long, and for it to turn wavy. For you to wake up in the early morning as I make sandwiches for us and the kids. Cherry tomatoes, here I come.

I had a dream that you cried, and looked at me and said you knew all along. I had a dream where we hugged like we did years ago, and everything was as if nothing ever went wrong. Girl, in my dream, I held your hands and I said I'm sorry for everything. And you looked at me, nodding, and told me all was fine.

Did you forget, did you forget about me?

How technology has changed the world.

It no longer the call that matters; it's the text, the email, the blog, the bloody MSN.

I know it costs, and I know it's hard but it's harder reading and typing, wishing I could just rewind all these few horrible weeks away. You probably never think about me like I do, or when you do, you curse at me and swear but yet I do think of you everyday...

The closest we've got the few words of Arial. Too few.

Ill, again.

My eyes are burning.

And my throat is inflamed. My nose is block and swollen from all the sniffing and rubbing with tissue all day. My head's swirling and my mind can't really think. My limbs are aching and throbbing and my chest is tight and heaving. I hate that time doesn't past, and I can't wait for August.

All I really need isn't medicine, but your hug.

Salt.

A great something to look forward to.

See why I wanna watch it?

I (heart) you.

I know it sounds lame, but for some silly reason, it's rather appropriate.

You're more than a friend, and you probably mean more to us than we can ever express. For bringing you into our lives, we shall all be forever grateful. Things have changed but you'll forever be family, and may things never be too different.

Take care, girl.

When all we've got is a phonecall.

I wish I could be there.

Wish I could be the perfect lover to hold you through it all, wish I could be in your arms every second of the way. If ever you need a hug or someone to love and hold, I wish I could be there anytime to wipe your tears away. I'll give anything to be the one you truly deserve, but it isn't up to me.

And, pathetic as it is, the most I can do is not to be there, but to dial your number.

Won't bring me down.

I've got ten shields in my hand; no way will anything reach me.

It starts with family and then a small group of friends. Then a mentor with the rude comments and sweeping statements. And then the glances and the sniggers, and for a while it really gets to me, really makes me feel like giving up. Until your arms are around me, and I realised I've everything to fight for.

I think - fuck them all. They don't know a single thing.

Sweet Caroline

I just wanted a damn link okay.



Annoying, I can't find the music video.

For someone who never visits.

Everyday, I swear.

I wish I could have one more chance to tell you that I'm sorry for turning your world upside down, for causing you those nightmares that never stopped, for causing you the pain I never wanted you to ever feel... And for not being that friend you truly wanted. I hope that one day, I pray to God, you'll realise I only did it for you.

I wonder what you're doing, you two. Because I just don't believe you're friends. No friendship grows on Facebook.

Game-show.

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?

Great show to watch, and I really do genuinely enjoy watching each and every episode. But this morning as I was watching it, it made me think - How do the contestants know when to put down their hopes and walk away with what they've got? Don't they succumb to the chances that the answer in their head could win them more?

Do I wanna walk away? I don't know.

A warm glass of milk.

Remember those moments?

When you're crying, and your five year old body can't stop heaving as tears roll down your cheeks uncontrollably. So, your Mum brings you a glass of warm milk and you already feel better as you imagine the warm sweet milk in your mouth. By the time your hands are around that warm glass, the tears stop. But when you taste it - it's sour.

I'll remember never to wake you when you're sound asleep. You talk nonsense.

Funny feeling in my tummy.

And it ain't the food, I'm sure.

Chee Hao's right (unfortunately, again) that Facebook has more downsides for me than anything else. I get distracted from work, and I stalk people and start seeing things that make me feel so damn weird on the inside that I can't do anything else after that cause my mind gets really muddled up.

So, here's what happened - I'm on Facebook to check for messages when I come across pictures of the ugliest, most fugly guy alive (we all know who) and it just gets me thinking: what the hell went wrong then? I guess for others, it's easy to move on. But things don't work that way here, I always get stuck mid-way...

Baby, just tell me you're here to stay. Please don't lie, again, like he did.

Comes down to this.

Well, I don't move on very well.

I didn't think I'd have to end up typing your name into bloody Google to get to know how you're doing. I didn't think I'd have to freak out for 10 minutes before gathering enough courage to text you to end up not receiving a reply. Did I think everything would be fine? Well, yes, unfortunately I though it would. At least after this amount of time.

At least you found a friend in the one I lost.

Overload.

Was that a standing ovation?

The crowds clapping and I see people standing; is this yet another standing ovation? In my mind, I hear the crowd's applause'when suddenly a male voice interrupts and interrogates me. I feel and smell tears and hear the sobs... Now, it's just a single tear rolling down your cheek as the sun sets, and I'm in your arms. Too many memories, too fast.

I saw a craken, and I do not look like a craken. You better know that, you stupid little fuck, Jin Jun.

God bless my invincible soul.

Aren't you supposed to fight my battles?

Be there to shelter me in the storm? Aren't you supposed to catch me when I fall? Aren't we supposed to take each other through it all, make everything in life worthwhile? So why do you throw me into battles everyday, and hurl me into a storm alone? Why do you not catch me, but instead cause me to fall?

Here I am, awake from it all - God bless my invincible soul.

Why a Karakiri?

Not just because it's cute.

But because a Karakiri holds you tight, and will always wrap it's soft comforting tenticles around you when you need to be held - be it rain or shine. Curse at it, or pluck out it's eye, but it'll never stop holding you in it's warm embrace. Never will it let in unless requested to. Never will it leave.

If only those silly people believed Singapore wasn't China.

Twist.

Eight beep tones and a dial tone.

I hear your voice, but I can't say a thing. I'm choking up, you probably know it, and holding back the wheezes. You don't say anything nice, but it doesn't matter. I just listen to your voice and in my mind, twist it into words that I wanna hear. Until the things you say begin to hurt unbearably, I put down. Sick game, I know.

I should get bathing so I can desgin the program booklet and concert tickets I volunteered to design, instead of my pile of homework. Well, before that I should also get Adobe Photoshop installed too and download brushes. That'll probably take the entire night. Didn't even know that I had this project going, did you, baby? I didn't get to tell.

Now, off I go. A favour for a band that barely knows I exist.

Be my hero.

Stand by me forever...

The lights will dim as a spotlight shines down on me, my simple gown glistening under the light. As I step onto the dance floor, I'll feel the heat in my face, he sings "it's late in the evening", you'll hold my hand, a warmth radiating between usmy heart racing. And when.

Spin me, and glide across the dancefloor me across the dancefloor. Everyone's eyes will be on us, but all will disappear but you, as you hold me close. I'll hear the music, and I'll see only you. As he sings "and the wonder of it all is that you just don't realise how much I love you", I'll be in mid-spin. But then there's a sudden silence.

And I'll find myself in your arms, thinking that I've made the best choice in my life.

Stop asking.

I hate it when Tigger brushes against my leg.

Stop asking if I care when you very well should know that I do. Each time you ask, it only reminds me what a failure I am in giving you the love you very much deserve. One would only need to ask in a situation where it is most clear that the other party really couldn't care less. Is that what you really think?

I hate it when Snowy begs me for a rub, and gives me those questioning eyes.

Merry-go-round friends.

The spinning equipments that make you scream I'm damn dizzy! Stop!

Remember how we'd stand on the merry-go-round and let our friends spin it incredibly fast. First round, you're fine. Second round, things start to blur. Third round, you try to squint and for a moment you can see clearly but you lose it and it blurs. Fourth round, fifth, six... Everything's a blur.

By the seventh round, you scream, you want off. Your stomach's flipping over and over and you feel so damn nauseous. God, stop, please, you cry. You feel so sick, you just wanna die. One moment you can see a blur of colours, the next moment, everything's white or black.

Like the common and unfortunate friendship.

Dates.

A social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person.

The superficial people around me, those who tend to do nothing but judge what they see on the surface, love to think that you're annoying, due to the fact that you tend to try to be everywhere I am. And that when we're together, we're too much to handle.

Well, would you prefer me have someone who never was there for me? Dear, Geraldine and Dad and so many more?

Let's cook again, like we did last summer...

There are no more potato wedges in the fridge.

Because I fried them (for us) out of greed and gluttony. Good wedges they were but I'll do without them, that's for sure. Great snacks, but I shouldn't have it too much, or I'd just turn huge and, maybe, ugly (think of all the acne due to over consumption of deep-fried food).

Oh, I learnt one thing though - if Gee can cook, you (definitely) can too!

Some reason.

I realised why I like looking at people on Facebook.

When I chance upon a shot of a friend, or even a friend's friend, with their other half, arms around each other, genuine smiles on their faces, it reminds me of the great joys that we feel in love. And despite my naturally agressively jealous nature, I like looking at people in their moment of happiness. It makes me remember.

But I wish it gave me hope.

Break point.

Unbreakable?

Put a glass cup at the centre of a round table, and each day, push it by a centimetre. In any direction, without ever looking at the position of the cup. After some time, on some fateful day, I am certain that the glass will fall off the edge, and it will break. How hard? Only God knows, but maybe it'll still be fixable.

Maybe, it won't. So, I suggest you not to push it.

Long gone.

When inanimate objects speak to me.

Don't tell me to stop, 'cause I won't. Don't tell me that it'll be alright, 'cause I won't believe you. Don't tell me about psychiatrists or shrinks, I don't need that. But tell me about hope, tell me about something beautiful, something real - not like the feeling of love from a one-night stand.

Remind me of fireworks. Remind me of the feeling of being loved by you.