Butterflies in my tummy.

She said this is the first time I'm actually nervous about a concert.

I've been nervous about many things - debate competitions, Singapore Youth Festival, MICA Dream Art Studio exhibition, AMBience concerts. Even when I was giving my kids the certificates on stage, my stomach flipped and flopped with excitement and anxiety.

I won't be able to get my sleep tonight.

Going loco.

She sings I'm helpless, I'm yearning. Like putty in your hands.

I'm floating aimlessly, or at least it feels that way. My visions unable to focus and my mind's drifting. I try to concentrate on the words - plate tectonics and something. I can't really make sense of it. I feel like I'm in a daze, a permanent surreal daze. Maybe I haven't gotten enough rest the past few days.

Or maybe I'm just going loco missing you.

Withdrawal symptoms.

They sing cause you give me strength, you give me hope.

My heads spinning. I'm guessing it could be the Singapore heat or perhaps I've been staring at the ceiling fan for too long and it's taken effect. Or perhaps I really caught a bad flu from Japan. Oh! My windows not open - that might be causing the overheating. Damn.

Cause you give me someone to love, someone to hold.

Greed.

Snowy loves bananas.

I wonder when her craving for bananas actually stops because each time she sees a banana, she goes loco. The hunger in her eyes just radiates and burns. The moment it's sliced nicely and place on the floor for her to access, she charges towards it and gobbles everything down.

I doubt she'll survive without bananas in her life.

Waking up from a dream.

She said I don't feel like going home now.

The crowd cheers and starts to stand, the applause rings in my ear as the spotlight shiens down on us. The standing ovation goes on for a minute or two and Mister Lim takes his leave backstage. As we continue stand, I turn to Geraldine and smile, the warmth radiating within me.


The sniffing and bawling echoes as the scent of salty tears taints my skin. I see Kaede, eyes puffy and red, standing by her mum. Rachel's crying and hugging her host somewhere nearby as I walk with Min Ying towards Kaede's dad to make my last goodbye.


We're on the plane and the pressure in my ears annoys me so. I see Geraldine retrieve her camera and I quickly turn to pull Si Kai nearer as if it's become a natural reflex. The shutter clicks and Geraldine shows us the screen. I laugh as she turns the camera back around and we take, what is probably, our three hundred and twentieth photo together.

I miss all the sticky rice and seaweed for dinner.

I'm a hazard to myself.

He said why does it seem too late?

When I came home, Snowy wanted to play. She was running and wagging her tail impossibly fast. It was her over enthusiasm that didn't seem right. Each time I tried to step into my room, she barked again and urged me to join her in play. I saw guilt in her bright, shiny eyes. When I turned back, I saw my teddy bear, Cornelius on the ground.

Stinking of her drool and wet from her saliva, did she hope that I wouldn't scold her? The moment I turned back to her, she ran. But the guilt and shame was burning so intensely within her that I could see it through her eyes. She licked my hand apologetically, but what's done is done - my Sasha bear, my Cornelius needs a bath soon.

I wonder if she saw the disappointment in my eyes. I know I saw it in your's, but I just couldn't find the right words.

Someday we'll know.

They sing did the captain of The Titanic cry?

When the world tells you to step away and not go further, to turn away and never look back, what makes you go on? Why would you go on? Why would anyone travel into the region of the Bermuda Triangle despite all the stories of mysterious disappearances and beliefs of witchcraft causes? Why, when the whole world tells you no?

Someday we'll know if love can move a moutain. Someday we'll know why the sky is blue.

Silly things.

Similarly.

I wrote about rolling over my sister's toes with a walker before. So much about her because I spent more time with her when I was a kid than with anyone else - Daddy and Mummy were working and my brother was already in Secondary School when I was six.

So many things I remember that revolved around her - there was once when it came her birthday and I spent days picking out beads to put together a necklace that had her fullname pieced together with pink, blue and purple cube beads with alphabets on all four sides. I was five or six I think, she was ten.

I was incredibly excited to give it to her and when she took it, she forced a smil and thanked me, barely reciprocrating the enthusiasm. I couldn't understand and finally was told that it was something she'd never wear because it looked like a doggy collar. I cried, and still insisted it was absolutely pretty. Hilarious.

Even the time when I playfully plucked her bra strap just for the sound effect. I was probably nine or ten, she was fourteen. I remember lots of screaming and shouting and then from my mum too. I think I got a slap, I can't really recall. But I didn't understand why I was being rude for doing so. Oh, but there was so many more silly things I did...

I can't stop listing all the silly memories out. Too many to count. And, on top of that, after that birthday, I vowed that I'd never give anything handmade to my sister as a gift again. Incredibly amusing when I do recall now... I wonder if she still has that necklace, unworn but rusty, lying around somewhere. Many silly things - kid or not.

Same person, but different kid, who rolled over her toes.

Blood is thicker than water.

She said friends are more important to you.



No, they ain't family. Not even biologically related, not even close. Nothing can be weighed in importance - ask me to choose between family and them and it'll be extremely hard. But they bring me joy and comfort and love, no doubt. Just like my family. I can't weigh my love; can anyone's love even be weighed?

Kill your loved one with your own bare hands or pray that he/she lives and doesn't suffer a slow, painful death?

I don't wanna live my life without you.

I'd say Snowy, snowy! Come back here.

Each time I bring Snowy down, the moment the lift doors open, she'd charge out. At times, when I don't hold her back, she looks like she just wants to run free. But, more often than not, she'd pause even before the maximum length of the harness is reached and turn back, trotting obediently back to my side.

I guess the sweet taste of freedom excites her but she knows better than impulsive, thoughtless wants.

Man in the clouds.

They sing how am I supposed to leave you now?

In my dream, this morning, I'm on the floor, face-down. My head's throbbing from the fall and the arrows in my back are stinging my skin and the pain burns. Felt like I was on the verge of death. Alike the way I felt when I had to say goodbye, when I had to turn my back on you and run.

Not when you're looking like that.

An illusion of magnificent significance.

Singing she's so lucky, she a star...

It was a tunnel that was deep, and wide. A single pin-drop would've amplified to the average volume of voices. In a moment of absolute euphoria and amazing ecstasy, our voices resounded within as if in a concert hall. Our smiles reflected on each other's faces, in each others arms.

One word - unforgettable.

Best birthday yet.

They sang Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you...

The words rang like a congratulation speech, and announcement, declaration - which one, I couldn't quite tell. But as the words echoed and as the shock began to simmer down from the utter surprise, the urge to hug you and thank you both was growing immesely quickly. Vocal chords, disabled with shock, I just stood as the words repeated over again.

From behind the candles, I saw your smile on your glowing face. The best three people ever.